back from a little break (with reason)

[Jane]

A few days ago a friend sent me an email asking why I hadn't blogged in a little while. That email prompted two reactions at my end: One, someone is reading my blog still! Two, hmm, I guess I really haven't written for a while, I wonder why? Before I really had a chance to think about it, my fingers had already started typing an email response which was mostly centered about the Introduction to Short Fiction writing course that I am currently taking. Granted, I only started it last week, but I think on some level or another I was sitting on my writing for a little while, letting it fester and simmer until there were some serious bubble coming up instead of letting keeping the lid open and letting the steam out whenever it wanted to.

I am trying to pull all my various thoughts and brainfarts (sorry! I know I don't have to apologize but it feels like a 'sorry' is appropriate whenever I use the word brainfarts - sorry!) together into something somewhat cohesive that I can look back at and not want to slink away from the next time I see it again.

But that's not really why I ended up blogging today. It's my experience from taking the writing course that I though warranted some notes at my end. Last week, I had noticed a small moment during the class when I was feeling nervous, a tad trembly and you know, that feeling when you are about to get to that feeling of just before you are actually getting teary-eyed. Now, that's nothing really new with me: I always get that way when I become involved in something that affects intensely. It doesn't have to be something terribly dramatic or shocking, sometimes it's just a specific lyric, or a part in a musical piece, or a tiny scene in a movie, but for some reason it has an emotional impact that I cannot suppress. So today I was sitting in the class, and as the class progressed, I found myself regressing more and more into the shy, introverted, slightly constantly freaked out girl that I used to be before and during university times. Mind you, it's not something I dislike, but the accompanying feeling of social akwardness that follows can be a bit unnerving.

I wonder if that is what being creative is about, that feeling of temporarily being liberated from those conventions, skills and layers that you have built up over the years to project (and convincingly present to yourself) the feeling of self confidence and assuredness. It's not a pleasant feeling for me, I can tell you that. But for some reason I also think that it is necessary (at least in my case) to write something that I can read without flinching. Maybe?